i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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