I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
