There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
