the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I hate all girls vehemently.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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