Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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