Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
