She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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