I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
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