Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
