Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
