Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
