The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You can't special order awesome
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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