don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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