I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize