i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
