You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize