apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Come see our sink grown plant.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
