This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
