Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize