Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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