My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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