my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize