I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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