Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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