mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
