why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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