The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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