I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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