I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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