The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
