Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
