I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
