you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
