Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
