my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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