so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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