I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
