I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
They left me at home... I'm a liability
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize