And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
