whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
