Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
