You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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