Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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