You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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