i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
