around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
