Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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