I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
