Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
