i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
