Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
