The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
