You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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