We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
