I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
