I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
