dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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