On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize