Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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