I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize